The Errant Hatchetman
by Redd1717
Summary: John K. Ramvolard waxes eloquent regarding his lanky Lucille, all their exploits and plans.


The Errant Hatchetman

(spoken with a Southern accent)

Sure, my Hatchetman is vintage equipment. It's been around for two hundred and eleven years according to the on board computer log. It's all mine though, and the whole reason for me, John K. Rambolard, even want'in to live. Standing almost fifteen meters tall with two long legs and two long arms she looks as tall and lanky as me. My Lucille, I named her Lucille, is powered by a fusion reactor that won't quit. She's got really tough armor all over, mostly. There are a few patches here and there and that one spot yonder shows through to the myomer muscle inside. A Phoenix Hawk Battlemech caught me flat footed and drilled me good with its Large Laser. It did just enough damage melting through the armor to expose the myomer but not hurt it. That myomer is strong stuff. Powered by electricity from the fusion engine the myomer fibers contract and extend again just like the muscles in a real live person's arm or leg. But instead of lifting normal flesh and bones these synthetic muscles lift tons and tons of metal bones and armor and weapons and stuff. I have an auto-cannon but I'm running short on ammo so it sure is a good thing my laser is still working. Besides that, nothing short of an Assault Mech can stand up to the hatchet that is this Mech's namesake.

It's amazing what these machines can do. I saw an Assault Mech weighing 100 tons pick up an air-car like it was a toy. That one was an Atlas with its big Death's Head grin spread across the front of its head and cockpit. Those Assault Mech pilots think they're invincible. They think nothing can stop their machines.

The last time I used that hatchet it was a sight to see, but in a bad way. I had been hired by this town named Massiline. This punk had a Short Range Missile launcher (SRM); I don't know where he got that from. Anyway, he ducked into a small outbuilding. So I thought I'd just crush him, you know, with the hatchet. That hatchet chopped that building right in two sending the two halves flying in opposite directions so crazy-like I was sure I had killed the guy. The dust settles and here is this guy stunned because death had just passed him by. Then he looks up at me and he is really ticked off. I am sitting there dumfounded as he swings this SRM in line with my Lucille's head and cockpit and lets loose. Next thing I know, I have a missile blowing its way through part of Lucille's ferro-glass windshield of my cockpit. I jerk back like I could get away from it or something. I can only imagine what that looked like to onlookers in the streets. This big bad armored monster gets spit-balled in the face by one lousy missile, jerks back cart-wheeling its arms and lands square on its can like some kid throwing a tantrum.

That embarrassment wasn't the worst of it; I found out later I'd been had. That guy with the SRM was just a diversion. You see the SRM was to make me think that he was a real genuine threat to draw me away. Meanwhile, four other guys got into the mayor's office and held her hostage. Needless to say I didn't get paid for that job.

Battlemechs may be the masters of the modern day battlefield but that don't mean they're the answer for everything.

After Massiline I was hurting for credits so I headed out for the nearest spaceport, Akron. I hooked up with Bobby Joe's Blunderbusses; Bobby Joe has a right nice Dervish Battlemech. It has lots of Long Range Missiles. The other two units rounding out the Lance are a pair of Vedette Tanks. Those two tanks have the newer Ultra auto-cannons able to spit out two rounds for every one that a standard model can, and howdy! The two tank commanders, called Jake and Jake, they're brothers, served in the Federated Suns Armed Forces. They say they met Bobby Joe over at the StarDust Grill. Well, they got tired of fighting for someone else's causes that kept them from being able to look out for each other. It turns out that their crews seemed to share the same idea and they all decided the Federated Suns wouldn't miss a measly couple of tanks. Now they got me and Lucille too; heck, we're a real fine unit. Next stop is the planet Outreach home of the famous Wolf's Dragoons. We plan to get hired for some real mercenary work. Bobby Joe says we might even get an advance to fix up Lucille a bit. She could use some ammo; some more work on her armor and flushing out the coolant would be a good idea. Lucille gets pretty hot to handle when I push her hard.

Well, I gotta go soon. Hey, could you spare a couple of credits? Maybe I could pay you back some time…


End file.
